Chapter 21 Plus que ma propre vie - fanfiction.netMONDAY - TWELVE DAYS
My Dearest Edward,
I loved you. Do you know that?
Plus que ma propre vie...
More than my own life...
Today is a beautiful day. For the past three hours, I've been sitting here watching you do what you love, in what is probably one of the most beautiful places on the coast of Washington. The sky is clear for once. The ocean is almost serene as it laps lazily against the rocks and sand below. The faces of those around us are calmer than they were yesterday, even Jane's. I don't think she's as mad at you anymore. It's a good day.
I only have twelve days before I say goodbye to you. Twelve days. That will never be enough time to express to you what you have done for me and how you made me feel. I never knew what it felt like to be loved until you loved me. Your unwavering passion and need never ceased to envelope my heart in bliss. How could I have possibly shown you that much love in return in our short time together?
I had to do this, Edward. It was the only way to show you the depth of my love. I had no other choice.
TUESDAY - ELEVEN DAYS
Now I only have eleven days left for you to feel my love. Yesterday you agreed to let me go with Rosalie, Alice and Angela to Port Angeles on Friday. You will never know how much that meant to me. I know it was one of the hardest things you've ever had to do; to put trust in me when this situation was so out of control. But, I needed this.
Alice has been my best friend since kindergarten. I remember the first day like it was yesterday. Walking into that large room was the scariest moment of my existence to that point. My mother would be leaving me there for almost four hours with my teacher Ms. Cope, whom I'd only briefly seen at kindergarten round-up but was too shy to talk to, and then a handful of children that I'd never met.
Mom had bent down to my eye level as soon as we walked in the door. She said, "You're not an ordinary five year old, Bella. You're extraordinary. This is the first step in finding out what you can do. Don't be afraid of it. You have a creative, intelligent mind beyond your years, and this will help you express it in a fun and exciting way. Now, go make friends and be extraordinary. I'll pick you up after school is over and we'll go get ice cream and talk about what you did."
After her kiss on the cheek, the teacher took my hand and sat me down at a small desk toward the back of the class. The first thing we did was take roll call. Ms. Cope said, "Mary Brandon," and nobody responded. "Mary? Is there a Mary Brandon in this room?" She looked around and her eyes fell upon a little girl in the front row with short dark hair. She was almost half my size and barely taller than the chair she was in. "Dear, I think you're name is Mary Brandon. Am I right?"
The little girl looked confused and said, "No, my name is Alice Brandon, lady." The entire classroom laughed at her except me, and she blushed in embarrassment. She slouched down in her chair to hide herself even more. When the teacher got to my name, she asked for "Isabella Swan," and I decided not to answer. "Isabella, I think that's you in the back." She was pointing at me.
Alice Brandon looked up and followed her finger to my face. "No, my name is Bella Swan, lady," I said with a nod of my head. I was just as stubborn then as I am now. Alice smiled at me, and I smiled at her, and the rest was history. From that first day on, we huddled in the corner on a beanbag chair while I read her a book every rest period with our milk and graham crackers. She was my best friend, and I was hers.
There are two things I want you to give her for me.
First, if you don't want to sell it, I would like it if you could give her the diamond and tourmaline necklace. She's loved it since she saw it, and just like I carried a piece of you and my mother with me every time I wore it, she can carry a piece of me with her.
Second, please give her the children's books that I have in my library – the ones that my mother used to read to me. Brandon will be starting kindergarten soon, and I want her to have those so she can read to him every night.
I guess, can you do one more thing for me? Tell her that I love her and that I'm sorry.
WEDNESDAY – TEN DAYS
It's raining again, and it's not supposed to stop. Maybe it's a sign of what's to come. I don't know. Ten days, baby. I only have ten more days with you. I find myself afraid to go to sleep after we make love and not because of the dreams. I know that when I wake up, it will be one less day that I'll get to see your face. Despite how I've known this was what I had to do, it's getting harder to wrap my brain around it. Please forgive me.
I need to continue on with stories on my friends today.
Rosalie Hale was one of those girls that was destined to be popular. She transferred to our school when she was in the fourth grade and when Alice and I were in the second grade. Rosalie commanded a presence from the second she stepped foot in our halls. The boys worshiped at her feet, and the girls longed for her hair and clothes.
Then you had me and Alice. Tiny brunettes with pale skin and knobbly knees. The epitome of not cool. Rosalie had never spoken a word to us until one day when we were in the hall walking back from recess and were being bullied by two boys that were in her class.
"Hey!" she'd yelled down the hall. "Step away from those girls or I will jam my slap bracelet so far up your butts that I'll pull it out your throat and then slap it on your tongues."
Alice and I stood there, kind of scared of her more than the boys that had just run away, while she walked up to us.
"Cute scrunchie," she said, pointing at my hair.
"I like your jellies," she said to Alice.
We were a trio from that moment on. She never cared that we were younger than her or had less money or that she was always protecting us. She was our friend.
I would like it if you could give her all of the pictures of us girls that are on the walls and shelves in the house. She took us under her wing as we all grew up, and I'd like it if she had the option of putting them up on her wall at work with all of her "kids." Though she's only two years older than me, she was a motherly figure after my real mother had died. Her strength got me through the days sometimes.
Could you do something else for me? Tell her that I love her and that I'm sorry.
**
You're happy, Edward. I can tell you are when you're working. Your eyes are alight and you put everything you have into each scene no matter how minor or important. Your work is an inspiration to so many people, including myself. I don't think I've ever told you that before. Don't ever give it up. You put your heart and soul into acting, and it comes out so beautifully.
Speaking of things coming out beautifully, I haven't told you about Angela. She came to join us when Alice and I were freshman in high school. She wore glasses, was gangly and carried a camera around her neck. The Algebra teacher had her sit in the available seat right behind me, and as soon as she sat in it, I turned around.
"Welcome to Forks High," I said. "Why do you have a camera, if you don't mind me asking?"
"I just like taking pictures," she shrugged shyly. "I don't go anywhere without it. I'm afraid I'll miss something important that should be captured for the world to see."
"What do you take pictures of?"
"Mostly people but some landscapes and animals. People are far more interesting to me. Their expressions are captivating."
"That's cool," I replied. "I'm Bella, by the way. This is Alice." I pointed my thumb to her next to me.
"I'm Angela," she said.
Two days later when I came into class again, there were two photos, one each on my desk and Alice's. It was the two of us at lunch laughing so carefree and unaware of everyone around us. The lighting in the photo made us look beautiful, something I never saw in myself. Alice, yes. But myself? No. I turned around to Angela who sat quietly in her desk looking anywhere but at me.
"Do you want to sit with us at lunch?" I asked. That's when I saw what she meant about people's expressions being captivating. Her scared, timid face morphed into one of pure joy and acceptance. We were four from that moment on. Four of the best friends you could ever find.
I want you to give her something for me. When I was in the hospital after you found me in the library, she told me that she wanted me to teach her how to play piano. I will never get to do that, but I would like it if you would give her my mother's piano. I hope that her playing will come out as beautifully as her photos. I know it will.
Also, tell her that I love her and that I'm sorry.
THURSDAY – NINE DAYS
What am I doing, Edward? I'm leaving you behind. My father is going to be alone. You both love me so much. Will this break you? I felt like I was taking control of the situation, but nothing seems like it's in my grasp anymore. The way you held me last night... I never wanted you to let go. I wanted you to hold onto me and keep me from doing this. I so badly wanted you to find this letter and stop me. But, I can't not do this. It's the only way for you to live. They'll never stop unless I stop them myself.
In nine days, I will have gone to my father and told him everything that you and I have gone through.
In nine days, I will have left the police station and found James and Jake and told them what I'd done.
In nine days, my life will be over.
You told me I was the bravest and strongest person you ever knew once. Was what I did brave? Was it strong? You're reading this after it's already happened. I don't know what the outcome was after I was taken from this world. Please tell me they were arrested for my murder and will never harm you again. Are you safe and happy? Are you able to fall in love with someone else without fear?
I hope so. God, I hope so. This is all for you, Edward. You need to go on without me. Please promise me you will. My heart is aching with the uncertainty.
Do you think I'm in Heaven? I'm afraid that I'm in Hell like Jake said I would be. I don't want to go there, but if I have to, I will. Please don't follow after me wherever I am.
Will you do something for me? Can you give the paintings of the meadow to my father and explain the meaning behind them? He will be alone, and if he can have those, he will see what a beautiful world this place is even with me and mom gone, and he will have a piece of us with him whenever he looks at them. He will be surrounded by us at all times. It's the best that I can do besides watch over him if I'm in Heaven. I hope that I'm in Heaven.
Tell him that I love him, and that I'm sorry. If nothing else, tell him that.
Over the next nine days, I will be showing you how much I love you with everything that I am. I hope it is enough. I hope you know and can feel it. I hope that you feel me around you now as you read this. I'll always be with you. I'll never leave.
These words are my last that I will ever write. They are yours. My books are also yours. I want you to have every single one of them on every shelf in the store and in my library besides the children's books for Alice and Brandon. Before you came along, I lost myself in the stories to get through the days. They were just words and paper, much like this is, but they held a heartbeat and a life of their own. I was moved to laughter and tears because of those words on paper. They were my soul for so long until I met... you.
You have my soul now, Edward. I don't know if I get to take it with me wherever I go, so I'm giving it to you. I don't want it without you anyways.
I am in love with you, Edward Anthony Cullen. I have been since I first met you. You stole my heart and have kept it safe from day one. You will be the last thing I see before I go. I will think of every moment we have ever shared and smile because I was happy. Don't ever doubt that. I've always been happy. And, in love. So in love because I was loved by someone that was there for me in my darkest hour and brought me back.
Thank you for telling me that you loved me. Thank you for getting me to open my eyes. Thank you for kissing me and dancing with me. I will take all of these memories with me wherever I go. Hopefully Heaven, hopefully not Hell, but wherever I need to go for you to stay on this Earth.
I love you with every ounce of being in me. I'm sorry I lied and have had to let go. Please forgive me. And...
L I V E
Your Beautiful Bella
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